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  • Very Real Journalist Who Exists

Envious dreamer discovers solution to avoid lifetime of bitterness

Updated: Oct 18, 2021

“I always wanted to write funny—not jokes exactly, but stuff that would make people laugh,” Heather said earnestly, slouching on her couch in hideous, Walmart sweats, now that she could finally relax since everybody knows it’s dealer’s choice in the comedy world when it comes to being hot. Even for women. “I don’t know why. Maybe it just seemed like more fun than covering school board meetings?”


Throughout her career as a journalist, Heather covered many school board meetings—and town and planning board meetings, too—for local newspapers whose readers clamored for the most recent updates about sewer districts, zoning abatements, and feasibility studies.


“Now that was hilarious,” Heather mused, slurping on her lemonade and spilling some down her shirt. “But, I mean, I couldn’t write the articles that way.”


Though she eventually moved away from reporting news to happily writing children’s books, Heather always felt a certain desperate longing when she read or saw or learned anything about comedy writers, including people who just called themselves comedy writers online, but didn’t seem to have written anything, let alone anything particularly amusing. As a side note, she had to wonder why everything she ever read about working for “Saturday Night Live” seemed to come from people with an ax to grind. OK, it sounded legitimately horrifying, but didn’t any of them hail from a small town where nobody was advertising for comedy writers in the classifieds (this was back in the day)? Didn’t they know temping as a receptionist/secretary is equally bad


but without any perks and some people would figuratively kill for a terrifying job with "SNL"?


It was around this time she found the solution to her problem, soon to be revealed in an upcoming biopic. Citing contractual restraints, Heather explained she was only allowed to tease it here. “Senior year in high school everybody put a quote under their picture and I picked the Nike tagline. Profound, right?” she said. “Let’s just leave it at that.”


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