• Very Real Journalist Who Exists

Funniest Woman on Earth Reacts with Grace and Humor to Competition Loss

When a prestigious national humor contest was announced recently, the hilarious Heather E. Schwartz was immediately inspired, firing off the funniest - and quite possibly quirkiest - application ever to be received by the judges.

"I wasn't sure they'd get it, my brand of humor or whatever," she noted, thoughtfully, "But then I figured, they're professionals in comedy. Of course they'll get it!"

After meditating on her anticipated win for months, however (literally the only action available to her after submitting her anonymous application), she was understandably disappointed when a mass email arrived in her inbox, announcing the winners and omitting her name at every level. Living up to her well-earned reputation as "nice," "sweet," and "quiet," she responded with grace and humor, even in the privacy of her own home.

"I didn't want to go to that conference anyway," she raged politely, referencing the free admittance part of the prize and aiming a select single finger in the air. "I wouldn't go if you paid me!"

Upon reflection, Heather decided that her satirical reference to herself in the application as "internationally famous" must have thrown the judges off, making them believe she was already too successful to qualify as a contestant.

"Apparently they're not as smart as I thought they were," she told the appliances in her kitchen, with particular emphasis on addressing the chirping waffle iron. Not a trace of bitterness was detected in her tone as she continued her delightful tirade: "Judges of a humor competition who don't even know satire when they see it... now that's funny!"

Recognizing the genius-level comedy in her outburst, she quickly began taking notes for future written work and performances. "Just wait - someday I'll be the judge of that competition. Then they'll see how it's done," she muttered like a crazed-but-sweet-and-kind villain in a cartoon.

As Heather laughed to herself, shouting, "Get it? Get it?" a reporter edged out silently of the room without response.